February 2012
9 posts
On the phone with my mom.
Mom: well honey, I gotta go. My jaw is tired from talking all day.
Me: I’m glad it’s tired from talking.
WHO SPEAKS TO THEIR MOTHER LIKE THAT?!
In my defense she did laugh pretty hard but I also don’t like living in a world where my mother gets jokes like that.
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anonymous friend going through a pregnancy scare: I haven’t gotten my period in 2 months.
me: well…you probably wanna get that checked out…
afgtaps: I can’t be pregnant, right?
me: probably not, but it’s best to be sure before you have a baby on the toilet.
afgtaps: I just can’t be. ugh! am i glowing?
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i think the proclamation that i’m going to blog everyday has actually made me blog less. it’s almost like there’s a petulant 15 year old girl inside of me that rebelliously does the opposite of what the adult me tells it to do. it’s like on those days i tell myself i’m going to eat vegetables and then i go home and shotgun a pizza. but who the SHIT am i sticking it...
January 2012
18 posts
i used the wrong “then” on one of my tags. see if you can find it before i kill myself.
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an email from my mother
I thought you were going to put something on your blog every day. You’re a couple of days behind. I’m waiting…..
xoxo
ugh, shut up mom! it’s just like her to hold me accountable for the things i say i’m going to do. what is this? high school? yes mom, i’ll finish my homework after this episode of felicity!
i’m really glad no one has called me out on my very half-ass(ed?) posts recently. it’s just that excuse, excuse excuse, followed by other excuse!
my very first boyfriend’s little brother is on perez hilton’s website today. so, basically i’m famous.
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today is…kinda fucked.
people are so fucking in love with themselves sometimes that they can’t admit to a mistake.
all i do at this job is hold my fucking tongue. i take the blame for a lot of things i didn’t do mostly because i don’t want to be petty. maybe that’s bad for my career?
oh wait, this isn’t my career. i only have this job because it provides...
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katharinebarnes asked: Hey. Here's something: You know how you replied to my post in note form? HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? I wanted to hit you back with a dope comment (I get all 90s when I'm flustered), but I can't figure out how.
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So I’m supposed to write something here everyday and it’s day 3 and I can’t think of anything to write about. Today was busier at work and I didn’t have much time to sit in my miserable hatred for this job which ultimately forces me to try and be sort of creative. I did hold a check in my hands for $47,830 which was kind of amazing. Who writes a personal check for fifty...
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How I embarrassed myself on NYE
I went to Brooklyn for a party thrown by my lovely friends, this guy and this guy. It was a fucking blast to say the least and I may have had some whiskey. So at around 3 in the morning, the party died down a bit and we were all sitting in the living room talking and drinking and recovering after throwing down on the dance floor for several hours. At this point, my shoes were kicked off and I was...
2012
oh hi there! as you may have noticed, i haven’t put up anything in forever. i feel like i kind of lost my will to blog. is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard in your life? it’s almost like i know how haiti feels. anyway, with everyone declaring their new years resolutions and posting their messages of hope for 2012, i’ve become inspired to not be afraid of fucking...
December 2011
7 posts
Gchatting with my sister
Georgia:
hjif ahushfahffhhfjdshkfjhasdfhjdhfkhdjfhjashfjhfjkhsjoriuoweurruewuriouoiruewoueowirjsjdlsajkdjl;djkjfkljfadslmnlcxm,czn,cnxzcnxzcnz,cxnc,zncnm,xzn,czx,mcxzc,xzcn,mznc,znx,czn,xmcnm,znc,zfdlskhkfsadhkfhsjfhsjdfhdshfjsahryewiuyweyroweq
could you spot the pattern?
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November 2011
7 posts
mrdanger asked: HOW WILL I KNOW IF HE REALLY LOOOOVES MEEE.
“But when a saga popular with pre-adolescent girls peaks romantically on a night...”
– NPR’s Linda Holmes reviews Twilight Breaking Dawn, Pt. 1 (via diandrabird)
this just made me laugh so hard. How long have I been saying that Twilight promotes domestic violence to anyone who will listen to me?! I mean, I realize that domestic violence is ANYTHING but humorous but what I find so...
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It’s always “The best thing that’s ever happened to me” after you pick yourself up from the black hole of depression, but like why wait for it 2 get that bad? Oh right, cuz it’s easier at the moment!
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Rules for survival if you're dumb enough to lose...
1. Make sure it happens on the second day. This way, for the rest of your vacation it will be a consistent problem.
2. Once you realize you’re not totally sure where your wallet is, assume it’s lying around the house somewhere and leave to go run errands with your host. While running errands, search the car and realize it’s not in there.
3. Get home to your host’s...
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Racist Adventures in the Workplace Vol....
Coworker: Tony thinks I’m crazy. We were taking about Indians, like people from India and I go what about the people that do this (takes her hand, pats it over her mouth and makes a guttural chanting noise)
Me: OH MY GOD.
Coworker: (laughing) Oh no, you think I’m crazy now too!
Me: I think you’re something…
October 2011
8 posts
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some people i know don't pick up on my sarcasm
Me: So what did you dress up as for Halloween?
Other: I was a sexy nurse
Me: Oh my god, that’s awesome! I’ve never seen anyone do that before.
Other: Wow, really?
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ptk asked: Dear Jane-- I love you like a love song. jussayin.
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Can we talk about this?
I’m mad. I’m really FUCKING mad. take a minute and read this. Ok, now that you’ve read that, we can talk about how FUCKED it is. We are inundated with sexist and exploitative imagery every single day but at least motherfuckers have the decency to be a little more subliminal about things. Obviously that’s not right either but that’s a whole different blog post. What...
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This morning on the way to work...
Gross Guy: Excuse me miss, do you have the time?
Me: It’s 8:26
Gross Guy: Oh ok, looks like it’s time for fucking me! HAHAHAHA
Me: You are fucking disgusting. Do you think I want to hear this shit at 8:30 in the morning? Leave me alone.
Random girl claps and smiles at me. I get up and change my seat.
Gross Guy: Your loss, baby!
Random girl who clapped: I don’t know man, you...
American Juggalo
I just watched a 20 minute documentary on Juggalos. For the uninitiated, Juggalos are people who are fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse. during this documentary I saw a woman, completely in the nude with Coolio braids, several hundred cans of Natural Ice, Miller High Life, Busch Light and several other nameless beers that taste like piss. I also saw a record amount of clown face paint on...
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that one time when i woke up in the middle of the night and was freezing and also too tired to get up and get socks so i grabbed a sweater that was within arms reach of my bed and put my feet in the arm holes and fell back asleep.
September 2011
7 posts
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Keep your feet to yourself.
Those of you that know me personally, know that I have a pretty serious problem with other people’s feet. It isn’t some cute phobia I play up to draw attention to myself, it’s a genuine thing and I realize that I’m not totally alone in this. There’s a whole slew of people who are uncomfortable with feet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, if you keep...